ABC Everyday // By Ginger Gorman

One morning seven years ago, Tammy’s* husband Scott* came home from his regular Sunday morning bike ride.

He was heading for the coffee but wondered if his wife of more than 20 years might like a cup of tea instead.

“What do you want?” Scott asked her.

“I want a divorce,” Tammy replied.

Businesswoman Tammy, now 55, had been unhappy for a long time. But things were at breaking point. Tammy had lost so much weight that her friends thought she had a physical illness.

At the point she asked for a divorce, the couple’s three children were aged 21, 18 and 16. Tammy intended to stay until her youngest child finished high school, but it didn’t work out that way: “I was so miserable that I couldn’t,” she says.

“That’s not to say that my ex-husband was a bad man, because he wasn’t. But I didn’t love him. That was really the end of it. I was very lonely and … didn’t want to be with him anymore and he deserved better,” she says.

When Tammy went looking for a lawyer, she simply walked into the office of a law firm nearby — and that firm happened to specialise in so-called “collaborative law”.

What is collaborative law?

Collaborative law is a non-adversarial process where separating parties work together with both legal and non-legal professionals to solve the dispute.

This is the process Tammy’s family went with, mainly for the sake of her kids, and how collaborative law benefited them.

“I’m glad I fell on it and we did it that way,” Tammy says.

Kasey Fox, director of family law at a Canberra legal firm, specialises in collaborative law.

She explains it like this: “Collaborative law is a unique process that changes the goal posts for the clients and lawyers alike.

“Everyone signs a contract agreeing not to go to court and not to use threats of court. Each person, and their lawyers, commit to reaching agreement via roundtable conferences.”

The aim is to reach an outcome that works for everyone rather than a win-or-lose situation.

“It is particularly well suited to couples with children who want to ensure they are able to have an amicable relationship in the future for the sake of their children.”

Managing emotions and connections

Bernie Bolger is a collaborative coach who has a background in counselling, mediation and financial planning. She’s also vice president of the Board of Collaborative Professionals NSW and has run separations — like the one Tammy went through with Scott — for more than a decade.

Her job is to keep everyone, including the lawyers, on track.

“I manage the emotions between the clients because it is a very stressful time,” Ms Bolger says. 

“But it’s also managing the emotions between the lawyers, because lawyers tend to be trained to be advocates. And so, when people are getting a bit stressed, they tend to go to default.”

Like Ms Fox, she centres the needs of kids during the collaborative law process. 

“A family is about emotions, and about connections and about relationships,” Ms Bolger says. 

“At the end of the day, as adults, you decided to bring children into this world, and it is your responsibility to make sure that these children grow up to be effective adults.

“And the thing that is going to destroy them more than anything is not you separating. It’s how you separate.”

She says if you put children in the middle of the vitriolic conflict a court case can cause, “it destroys them academically, socially, physically”.

Ms Fox agrees separating in court has numerous downsides.

“The family law system is critically underfunded and has lengthy delays,” she says.

“At present, the courts are overwhelmed, and this means that unfortunately families can get stuck in a system that takes years to reach a conclusion.

“Many collaborative lawyers also have court matters, and the reality at the moment is that going to court takes a lot more time and costs a lot more money than reaching an agreement using collaborative law.

“Some people wonder why lawyers would recommend a process that saves their clients money, instead of making lawyers richer. For me, the reason is that … I became a lawyer to help people and I chose family law, not because it makes the most money, but because I was hoping I could make a difference.

“There will always be divorces, but not all of them have to go to court, and if I can help keep some families out of the system, then that benefits everyone.”

Process saves ‘time, funds and mental health’

Ms Fox explains that separating couples who go through the courts can spend “tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees”.

By contrast, collaborative law is cheaper and may even involve a set fee.

“Collaborative law is the best way to avoid conflict and preserve your parenting relationship, time, funds and mental health,” Ms Fox says.

Tammy’s experience underscores this view.

Recollecting the effect the collaborative meetings had on her, Tammy says, “I literally used to shake before I went in.”

Thinking back on this makes her more grateful she wasn’t faced with ongoing, higher-stress court proceedings. 

“I would have absolutely been crucified in court,” Tammy says, adding that she’s glad her children didn’t see their parents “dragged through court, which would have been awful”.

Tammy says the collaborative process dissuaded her and Scott from fighting.

She says he’s often blunt in her communication, but during the negotiations, Ms Bolger managed to keep things calm and prevent her saying things to Scott she’d later regret: “She kept saying, ‘Just hang in there for the final goal. You know what you want.'”

Managing fears

Like so many of us who divorce, Tammy was scared of the judgment of family members who disapproved of her separation.

As someone who wasn’t on a high income, she was also petrified about her financial situation. 

“That was always my fear: ‘What will happen to me and the children?'” she says.

But Tammy ended up with what she hoped for: a new life, job and a big enough house that could accommodate all her now-adult children.

This was especially lucky in the pandemic, when all her children ended up back home.

Both parties must be willing

One last thing to note: collaborative law doesn’t suit all separating couples. Ms Bolger says in order for collaboration to work, both people in a splitting couple must leave entitlement at the door and be willing to put themselves in the other person’s shoes.

“People have to be able to be honest with themselves,” she says. 

“Can they empathise with their partner or ex-partner’s needs and fears, and really put the kids front and centre?”

Ms Bolger says collaborative law can work really well where there are mental health or domestic violence issues, because the process is designed to be supportive.

“Especially if you’ve got someone like a coach, who’s a neutral party in the process at all times, you can actually manage that power imbalance,” she says.

*Names changed for privacy reasons

Introduction

The coronavirus pandemic has caused many Australians to lose their jobs which can also put a strain on their ability to pay rent.

In March, the federal government issued a six-month moratorium on tenancies for both residential and commercial tenants who can’t pay their rent because they were severely impacted by the coronavirus. The federal government also encouraged tenants and landlords to agree on rent relief measures. But in many cases, that is easier said than done.

Bernie Bolger, a Nationally Accredited Mediator from the Mediation Collective talks us through the common elements of successful negotiations.

Q.        So what is really going on out there in the rental landscape?

A.        The numbers are looking pretty grim for landlords.  Suburbs within a 10km radius of the Sydney CBD are experiencing the biggest decrease in rent – 25% in some locales.   Short term rentals are flooding the market as the Air BNB model collapses. Some estimates say as many as 7000 new properties hit the market in April.  Sydneysiders with jobs are moving to bigger houses, closer to the beach as working from home becomes the new normal. Migrants are leaving the country and young people are moving back in with their parents.

Q.        Are you suggesting that tenants have a lot of options in these negotiations?

A.        Yes, tenants have options but many are also going through a lot of pain. We mustn’t forget that this all came about very suddenly because so many people lost their jobs or were stood down and therefore lost their ability to pay their current level of rent.  To start a conversation with your landlord about rent reduction you must be able to prove you are a Covid-19 impacted household. 

Q.        What does that mean exactly – a Covid-19 impacted household?

A.        A Covid-19 ‘impacted tenant’ is defined as a tenant living in a household whose total weekly income has reduced by 25% because of the Pandemic.

According to the Tenants Union of New South Wales, if you’ve lost your income, you can negotiate with your landlord about paying lower or no rent for a short time.

In New South Wales, there is a 60-day halt on landlords looking to evict tenants, in addition to the 6-month moratorium. To be eligible, you have to meet some requirements, according to NSW Fair Trading:

• If one or more of the rent-paying members have either lost their jobs or had a reduced income due to coronavirus related business shutdowns
• If one or more rent-paying members had to stop work or had their work hours cut down because they contracted the coronavirus, or they are caring for someone with the coronavirus
• If the above factors result in a household’s income dropping by 25% or more, including any government assistance, such as the job keeper payments.

If you don’t meet these requirements, the Tenants Union recommends trying to negotiate a rent reduction with your landlord. This may be in their interests because it may be much more difficult and expensive to replace you than give some reprieve. Some landlords will be more willing to do this, especially if their mortgage costs are not excessive.  

Q.        You mentioned an Evictions Moratorium – what does that actually achieve?

A.        The Evictions Moratorium protects ‘impacted tenants’ from eviction, but this doesn’t mean that tenants can just stop paying rent, or just pay less rent.  They must contact the landlord or agent and let them know that the need to negotiate a rent reduction.  They need to make formal contact and make sure the initial contact as well as the negotiations are in writing so that they have a record what has happened.  Any agreements reached must be in writing also.  Because most people do not have experience in negotiating, it can be quite an intimidating process.  

Q.        Not all Landlords are wealthy bad guys.  What do you say to them?

A.        It’s important not to demonise all landlords. There are many hardworking Mums and Dads out there who may have bought just one investment proper and are mortgaged to the hilt. They might in turn have lost their jobs due to the pandemic and are relying on the rent from their tenants to help pay the mortgage and put food on the table. They are probably worried sick at the moment wondering if they might not only lose their investment property but also their family home which has been put up as collateral. All landlords need to look at the relief packages for which they might be eligible – land tax relief, deferred mortgage repayments with their lender, claiming losses on their income tax. And then they must be open and honest with their tenants about their circumstances and what they can and can’t do.

            Five Key Tips to a Successful Negotiation

1. Communicate. If you find yourself in a situation where you need some assistance with your rent, it is imperative that you communicate that to the people who make the decisions, i.e. the landlord or the agent if there is one managing the property.  Burying your head in the sand and hoping it will all go away will definitely not work.

• Show empathy to the other party’s needs and be authentic in your endeavours to reach a resolution.  Enter the negotiations honestly and fairly and be prepared to work with the other side to genuinely work towards a mutually beneficial agreement in a timely fashion. You must be prepared to act reasonably and listen to the other side’s point of view and be prepared to change your position or make concessions to reach an agreement

• Full and frank disclosure by both parties. As the tenant, you will need to be able to substantiate and validate any requests for a variation from the terms of your lease if the landlord / agent asks, e.g. 
• proof of job termination / stand-down, or loss of work hours
• other proof of reduced income
• proof of any Government income support you are receiving or have applied for
• proof of prior income

As the landlord, you should provide information about your

• financial situation – being open and honest, including whether you rely on the rental income to cover mortgage repayments or other expenses
• conversations with your lender about waiving or reducing your own mortgage repayments
• the rent payment you would be able to accept
• clarify how much of the rent payment loss (arrears) will be waived and how much will need to be repaid
• Be clear about what you are asking for.  For commercial tenants, a code of conduct has been agreed on by national cabinet establishing a clear set of leasing principles in place during the eviction’s moratorium.  One of these principles is that landlords must offer a commercial tenant impacted by Covid-19  a reduction in rent payable corresponding to the reduction in trade and revenue they have experienced during the Covid-19 Pandemic and a subsequent reasonable recovery period.  At least 50% of the reduction must be in the form of a waiver.  Any deferred rent is to be repaid over a reasonable timeframe, with minimum timeframes set in relations to this.

No similar mandatory code has been established for residential tenancies, but this principle can be used as a possible guide.  A generally accepted and useful benchmark of housing affordability is whether your housing costs are no more than 30% of your gross household income, where your income is below a certain threshold. Therefore do your numbers and be sure about whether you should ask for:

• A full or partial rent waiver
• A reduction in rent that reflects your reduction in income
• A reduction in rent that reflects current market pricing
• A longer repayment period to repay arrears
• A waiver of arrears
• Permission to end a fixed-term agreement early, possibly without or with a reduced penalty of by applying the break-free formula that applies in agreements entered into after 23 March 2020 to earlier agreements
• Offer to lengthen the term of your lease to make up for any waiver on rent

• Put everything in writing.  This is especially important for two reasons.  In the first place the new agreement needs to be documented and signed by both parties. And secondly, if direct negotiations between the landlord / agent and the tenant breakdown these written records will be used to show that good faith negotiations have taken place especially if the matter eventually progresses to NCAT (the NSW Civil and Administrative Tribunal) – an independent body which deals with certain kinds of disputes between landlords and tenants. It is not a formal court, but its decisions are legally binding.

Listen to Bernie Bolger and Jamie Burreket in conversation with Sarah McDonald on ABC 702 Nightlife as they discuss a Collaborative Divorce

Listen to the Podcast

A Collaborative Divorce

Divorce – the statistics are in and they aren’t good:

1 in 3 marriages end in divorce

2 in 3 second marriages end in divorce

49,000 couples filed for divorce in family court last year

40,000 children were affected last year by divorce

The psychological and financial costs to the individual, to the family and to society are staggering and need to be addressed.

In this hour we’re talking with Jamie Burreket, one of the country’s leading Family Lawyers and Bernie Bolger, psychotherapist and accredited Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner and Vice President of Collaborative Professionals (NSW) Inc. about the alternative, less conflictual way in which couples / parents can end their relationship and move forward with dignity and respect.

Q:  Before we talk about better ways to help families navigate their divorce it might be good to get some context or background about the ‘crisis’ that is occurring in the Family Court at the moment.  It has been the subject of a lot of media coverage in the last 12 months, even more so than normal.  Why do you think there has been so much interest of late?

A: It’s true – family law has gone from being one of those topics which rarely features in the news to being the subject of a number of media reports recently. This has mostly been driven by two initiatives announced by the Turnbull/Morrison Government. The first is the request for a comprehensive review of the Family Law System by the Australian Law Reform Commission. The second, is the proposed merger of the two Courts in Australia who hear most of the Family Law cases, the Family Court of Australia and the Federal Circuit Court of Australia.

The Law Reform Commission delivered its report to the Attorney General last week. He hasn’t released it to parliament yet. We don’t know the contents of the report obviously, but we have some idea from the various discussion papers that have been released by the Commission about what they are likely to grapple with. I think the recommendation are likely to be controversial and represent a huge shift in the law – but they are just recommendations and the path to changing the actual law is a complicated and slow one.

The proposal to merge the two Courts was also been controversial. It failed last week with the Attorney-General conceding that he did not have the numbers in the Senate to pass the bill. With an election around the corner the issue is dead in the water for now. I suspect that it won’t resurface until our next government (whoever that will be) choses to tackle the recommendations made by the Law Reform Commission.

Q: What has brought about the need to look at change now?

A: As you said at the top of the hour, you said that the statistics aren’t good.  The system is broken on so many levels but if we look purely at the Family Court, it is my view and that of many of my colleagues that delay is the principal reason in why the Court system is failing today.And the root cause of that delay is a failure by successive governments to properly resource the Court – essentially to appoint enough Judges to handle the work load.

There are a lot of figures thrown around. There are some challenges to the accuracy of a lot of them. Particularly, while Family Law has been so politicised of late. At the worst end of the spectrum – in Sydney in the Family Court of Australia and perhaps to a less degree the Federal Circuit Court – people can wait up to 4 and 5 years for their case to be finished. More if there is an Appeal.

When you consider the average length of a failed relationship in Australia is only 8 years – and many more are much shorter, it’s not uncommon for people to have a Family Law case after they separate that can take longer to finish then their relationship lasted.  And that’s before we even get to talk about the negative impact on children during their most crucial developmental years.

The delay has made Court an unacceptable pathway from many clients. I now spend most of my time working with clients to resolve their cases without using the Court process.

Q: That brings to mind though an interesting thought – is the end of a relationship a legal issue or an emotional issue, or both? 

A: I think that question goes to the heart of the separation conundrum. We have come a long way since Descartes’ ‘I think therefore I am’.  Research says we make decisions emotionally in the first place and then rationalise those decisions with logic. It is interesting that when couples are facing the most devastating financial and emotional event in their adult lives, the accepted norm in today’s society is to contact a lawyer. Not a counsellor or a financial planner – a lawyer. And the more aggressive the lawyer the better. So often we hear phrases like ‘I need my lawyer to be my rottweiler’.  So we need to change the conversation. We need to let people know that there is a better way to separate and it doesn’t have to be a zero sum game with winners and losers.  It is possible to separate in a way where social scientists, lawyers, mediators and financial experts all work together with the couple to achieve the best outcome for the family – and that way is called interdisciplinary collaborative practice.

Q: Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice – tell me more?

A: This is an exciting new alternative which has been use in the US and the UK for a number of years and which has been gaining momentum here in Australia in the last few years.

I found this definition on the Law Society of New South Wales Website and I think it encapsulates the spirit of it extremely well. ‘Collaborative Practice is law without litigation, and mediation with advice.’ It is a dispute resolution process in which the parties, their lawyers and a neutral coach enter into a contract (the Participation Agreement) to resolve a dispute without resorting to litigation.

Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice is a unique dispute process as it offers a ‘team’ (lawyers, a neutral coach, a child consultant (if appropriate) a financial expert or any other professional that may be appropriate) to guide, advise, and support parties achieve an outcome.

Q: From a legal point of view, how does it differ from other Alternate Dispute Resolution methods?

A: It’s unique in that it is designed to produce constructive and fair solutions which meet the both the values and the concerns that are important to the individual people who are separating.

Each person engages their own lawyer and then jointly a neutral ‘coach’ is also engaged. This team – the former spouses, their lawyers and the coach conduct a series of meeting (where everyone is in the same room) to sort through and solve all the issues that arise from their break up. What makes it special is:

1. The lawyers are engaged specifically to work together to help both parties find a solution that serves as the best outcome for the family as a whole;
2. The lawyers are not allowed to go on and represent their client in Court if the collaborative process doesn’t work – this really locks the lawyers in to working      hard to get a solution; and
3. Through the whole process, the lawyers and the separating spouses, have the support of the neutral coach – who normally has a background in            mediation and is a mental health professional – to help them deal with the emotional aspects of the separation.  In family law matters it is often the non –   legal issues which are driving or causing the problems.  Some good examples             are school holiday times – how it is to be shared – or introduction of new     partners.  Rather than lawyers being involved in every aspect the clients can         speak with / meet the neutral coach. This has a financial benefit to parties as        the lawyers do not need to be involved in all aspects and allows the neutral           coach to assist the parties with what is essentially a non – legal issue.

Q: So are you saying that Bernie can help the lawyers deal with the emotional aspects of the separation as well?

A: I think everyone underestimates the vicarious trauma that affects professionals who are involved in breakups.  There is always going to be emotion associated with a break-up.  And contrary to popular opinion, lawyers are actually human as well. As social scientists, we are used to the idea of ‘supervision’ but lawyers don’t usually participate. As part of the collaborative process, the team is given the opportunity to debrief with each other and talk through some of the trickier emotional issues.

The process of collaboration is also unusual in that it humanises the divorce process for all the professionals. If you can picture a scenario where both clients and their lawyers are sitting around a table with me and we ask the clients to individually articulate what has brought them to the table and what they would like to achieve as an outcome.  We ask them to talk about what they would like to be recognised for within the relationship but also what are their fears going forward, what keeps them awake at night per se. This can be incredibly emotional and not always comfortable for everyone in the room. A coach helps contain that emotion and move people through it. Having heard about the relationship from each person’s perspective and also about their needs and concerns going forward, the team works together to come up with solutions which will achieve the best outcome for the family as a whole.  This might involve bringing in other experts to the process.

Q: What other experts are you talking about? Someone to help make decisions about the children seems like an obvious one?  Or if there are complicated finances?

A: We can answer that question in two parts.

The first is how to consider “the voice of the child”. How can a child be heard in a family breakdown?

One of the best ways to address the impact of the family conflict on children and to take the emotions out of the decisions is to use a Child Inclusive Practitioner (or CIP) in the process.

Child Inclusive Practice provides an opportunity for children to talk independently with a trained Child Consultant in a safe, supportive and comfortable environment.   .

During the session, the Child Consultant facilitates a conversation with the child and encourages them to talk about the separation, domestic arrangements and other related topics. Depending on the age of the child, the Child Consultant may use play therapy during the session. The Child Consultant is not judgmental, suggestive or adversarial in tone. The purpose of the session is to gain insights into how the child is feeling and provide a forum in which they can comfortably express themselves.

After the session, the Child Consultant provides feedback and recommendations to both parents in a one hour session. This feedback is then used as a guide and reference throughout the Family Dispute Resolution process.

Generally speaking, Child Inclusive Practice is relevant for school age children, from 5 to 15.

Another additional expert who is often brought into a Collaboration is the financial expert. This can be equally important for the case where the finances are complicated as it is in the case where one person has had no idea of the family finances.  Financial insecurity is akin to physical torture, especially as we get older.  Having the input of a financial adviser who can model what the financial future looks like for each person going forward and coming up with useful, alternative suggestions with the rest of the team can be the magic ingredient in getting the couple to come to an achievable, workable outcome for the family as a whole.

Q: But doesn’t this cost a fortune – having two lawyers and a neutral coach at every meeting and additional experts as and when needed?

A: Divorce in Australia is expensive. We enjoy complex complicated enriched lifestyles. Navigating through a separation in that environment isn’t easy. You’re going need to help. Everyone’s experience of the cost of a Collaboration is going to be different. In my practice – it’s at the cheaper end of the options that are available. More importantly, though for a little bit extra costs you get a whole lot of more help. And a whole better outcome. Ending a relationship is not just about a division of assets – it is also about dealing with the emotional fallout that comes with the demise of a relationship. Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice allows for the rebuilding of empathy between ex partners. When this occurs it is no longer a zero sum game.  Each person gains an insight into the other person’s needs and desires and works towards gaining the best outcome for the family as a whole. When all parties work together, it inevitably becomes a much quicker process and therefore lawyers’ hours are reduced.  Decreased hours equals decreased costs!

It is a forward focused process and definitely a nicer way to break up.

Q: I’m sure you have seen your share of horror stories played out in the Family Court System – what in your mind are the main reasons separating couples should try and avoid going to court?

A: The breakdown of any relationship is difficult. If you’ve got to the point where you have to let an umpire like a Judge make decision for you, you’ve lost control of the process and control over the outcome.  The reality of choosing to let a Judge decide is:

• waiting 3 to 4 years for a decision;,
• spending perhaps hundreds of thousands of dollars on lawyers and accountants;
• and all for an uncertain outcome that never satisfies either party fully.

The chances of you and your former partner having any respect for each other or care for each after going through all that is small. If you have children, you’re sabotaging your best chance to be constructive and supporting co-parents. More often than not, damage to the children who invariably become involved in the dispute.

Most people come to this realisation at some point before they see a Judge, most matters will settle  by agreement in time, but the impact in the meantime  on their own life, their relationship with each other, their children and other third parties (extended family members, new relationships) is not a positive one. We can do this better, in most cases.

However, this is a panacea for all family law issues. We will always need a place of last resort in the system. There will always be families, which despite their best intentions, for reasons outside their control – will need a Judge. These families need a clear and fast path to that intervention.

Q: So why aren’t we hearing about this process more?  Why aren’t people shouting about it from the roof-tops?

A: My hope is that times are changing and that this will become the normal way to separate rather than the exception.  Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin managed to consciously uncouple, Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos tweeted their praises for each other post separation.  My hope is that through the Collaborative Process mere mortals will get to do the same.

Five Reasons to choose a Collaborative Divorce

1. You place value on the relationship you are going to have in the future with your former partner or spouse;
2. You want a creative solution that fits within your values and addresses your needs and concerns (and those of your former partner or spouse), not just a solution that is imposed on you by a Judge who doesn’t know you;
3. You want to make sure that you and your former spouse partner have proper professional support as you make decisions about how you are going to separate;
4. You want a process where you and your former spouse preserve your dignity;
5. You maintain control of the process and in that way your life.

Choosing to separate doesn’t have to mean choosing to throw yourself at the mercy of institutional solutions like Courts.

‘Listen to Bernie Bolger in conversation with Sarah McDonald on ABC 702 Nightlife as they discuss how to survive a relationship break-up’

1. Take time to grieve your loss.

For some, losing a significant other because of a break-up can be as painful as if they died. In some cases more so. From seeing some-one you love every day to having no contact, it can seem impossibly daunting to imagine your life without them. But it is important to come to terms with this new reality and accept it before you can move on. Whilst it may seem appealing to fast-forward through this period of sadness by keeping busy with other things and people, the reality is that the end of a relationship requires a grieving period where we process what has happened. It is also a time where you can reflect on the relationship and your own behaviour. And in the process you may learn a thing or two about yourself and what you want out of a future relationship.

2. Reconnect with yourself.

In many relationships, the primary focus is on the ‘we’ instead of the ‘I’. But the end of a relationship offers a unique opportunity to take stock of where you are in life, and then to do something for you. This might mean taking up a new hobby or reuniting with friends. Taking the time to do things which make you feel good, like seeing family or going on a holiday (without having to compromise), will help boost your mood. And this focus on yourself means when you enter a new relationship, you will have a self-awareness that you may have lost. Rather than rushing into a new relationship, take time to focus on the relationship with you.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Rarely do people come to the decision to end a relationship at the same time. If the end of the relationship came as a shock, it is normal to feel rejected of question your self-worth. But if your partner has made it clear that they no longer want a relationship with you, it is imperative that you accept this and focus on yourself. And it is equally imperative that you let go of any feelings of bitterness, no matter how hurt or angry you may feel. As Nelson Mandela said – ‘holding onto bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. If this all seems too hard to do alone, talk to a professional. Set limits with your family and friends about what you feel comfortable discussing. If you need to vent, do so with a counsellor because friends may become overly protective and fuel your bitterness and anger rather than help you move through it. Similarly, if there are practical issues to be dealt with, such as parenting plans and property settlements, seek the services of an accredited Family Mediator or a Collaboratively trained family lawyer whose wise counsel early on will save years of heartache down the track.

4. Use Social Media wisely.

Your accounts may be littered with memories of your past relationship. As hard as it may be, delete your ex. You may convince yourself that you can control the urge to check in with your ex all the time, but what you are in fact doing is fuelling your brain’s need for this person. And in the process retraumatising yourself every time.
Even worse is going on a social media rampage. When you are feeling slighted or ignored, it is too easy to share your angry feelings with the world via twitter or Facebook. Especially after a few glasses of wine. In the moment it feels really good, but the ramifications can be huge, both professionally and personally.

5. Don’t fall into the Rebound trap.

Take the time to mourn the relationship, to mourn part of your own life that is not there anymore. Take the time to look back on the relationship without the rose coloured glasses which minimised the parts of it you didn’t like. Every broken relationship is a learning opportunity which allows you shine a spotlight on behaviours which are acceptable and those which are a definite deal breaker in the future. Don’t let your fear of being alone cause you to swipe right too soon and thus miss out on some of life’s most valuable lessons.

Divorce – everyone knows someone who has been through a divorce. With 1 in 3 marriages breaking down and over 30,000 of these involving kids every year, we need to find nicer, better ways to break up. We need to find better ways to draw a line in the sand and move on with our lives.

In this hour Bernie Bolger, psychotherapist and mediator and Vice President of Collaborative Professionals (NSW) Inc. talks to Chris Bath about the alternative, less conflictual paths which families can take to end their relationship as it is and move forward.

Listen to the Audio

Listen to Bernie Bolger talking Money and Relationships with Philip Clark.

Join Bernie Bolger as she guest presents on the 2UE 954 radio program Talking Relationships with David Prior. Listen here

Notes from Bernie’s conversation on Nightlife with Dom Knight on ABC 702 Radio on Monday night 10 October 2016

Listen to the podcast here

Preamble

Has your relationship become boring?  Instead of the freshness and excitement of the early days together, are you getting complacent and focusing on the everyday obligations and tasks like doing chores, paying bills, fixing up things around the house. Are you choosing to do things together that are safe, secure and familiar such as going to the same café or inviting the same people over for dinner?  When is the last time you really put thought and effort into your relationship?

 

Q: Bernie, the statistics are scary, more than 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce and half of these divorces occur in the first seven years.  What is going on?

A: Dom we are all leading very busy lives but thanks to the online world, instant gratification is more possible than ever. You don’t need to debate things anymore with others. You simply look it up on your phone and within seconds whoever is right gets the satisfaction of knowing it instantly. You don’t need to wait to buy something you want. You can order it online and receive it within minutes if it is a digital service or the next day if it is a physical product. We live in a world where you can get almost anything you want when you want it and it’s hard not to need instant gratification in every area of life. So much so that the concept of working for something is often considered to be boring.  It makes people unwilling to work through things and take their time on things, and relationships are one of the biggest things that people need to work on and take their time with. I wonder how many relationships could have been saved with just a little bit of patience and effort…

 

Q. But there has to be more to it than that? Given that ending a relationship can have the most devastating emotional and financial consequences, surely trying harder and showing a little more perseverance is not the only thing at play here?

A. Of course you’re right.  We also have to fight our own physiological and biochemical make-up.  As humans, we are hard wired to always be on the look-out for something new, to hunt. When we see something we don’t have, our bodies become flooded with all sorts of neurotransmitters and happy hormones.  We move into a state of heightened arousal and it feels good.  And then when we capture it, these chemical reactions automatically shut down.  And there is nothing we can do about it.  So put a new relationship into this context, in the early phase it’s all excitement and an adrenaline rush at the mere fantasy of a brush of skin.  But  two years on, it all become a little hum drum.  And we crave that adrenaline rush again – it’s like an addiction.  But unfortunately if we are not mindful, we can go looking in the wrong places and suddenly Mr Right is no longer Mr Right but the latest cast-off.  The challenge is to keep on putting new back into our old relationships.

 

Q. New back into the old – what do you mean by that? 

A. I think the first thing we have to do is to really acknowledge that a relationship is made up of more than one person, that it does in fact take two people to make or break it.  We are each responsible for the part we play.  By that I mean that if we are beginning to look at our relationship and moaning about how stale it has become, perhaps in the first place we should take a long, hard look at ourselves before we lay the blame totally at our partner’s feet. How are we measuring up as a person of interest?  When was the last time we took on something new ourselves? Took up a new hobby, talked to a stranger on the train, walked a different way to work, hopped into bed on the other side?  These changes don’t have to be huge, but they keep us vital and out of our comfort zones. In essence they keep us interesting as individuals.

 

Q. What happens if one person wants to reinvigorate the relationship and the other is quite happy just as it is?

A.  The reality is, both people have to be engaged in keeping the relationship fresh.  The trick is learning how to listen afresh to your partner’s needs and incorporating them into your lives.  So if one person is happy with the status quo and the other wants to rev if up a bit, somewhere in between is where the magic will happen.  Dr Gary Chapman, an American psychologist, came up with the concept of the Five Love Languages.  He say we tend to love the way we like to be loved rather than how our partner wants to be loved.  Leading Australian sex therapist, Dr Rosie King reiterated this with her five ‘Ts’ concept – Talk, Tasks, Time, Touch and Tokens. The principle behind both these ideas is that if your partner needs you to spend time with them to feel loved, then that is what you should do.  It doesn’t matter that you have spent the morning doing the garden – a task which she hates to do and you’re not too keen on either but you have done it because you love her and she should know that… So as a first step towards getting to know each other again I would suggest that you both take Gary Chapman’s fun questionnaire on line (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ ) and find how you can get the best bang for your buck with your good intentions.

 

Q. One of the things that struck me when you were talking about the Five Love Languages was how important it is not to assume anything.  In your example, there the poor man was slaving away in the garden so that she didn’t have to and in the meantime she was getting irritated because he wasn’t spending any time with her? What can we do about this?

A.  There isn’t a counsellor out there who wouldn’t stress the importance of good communication.  And they will give you all sorts of tips on how to do it well, in particular the techniques of active listening. But what they are really doing is teaching you how to resolve conflict.  However, Dr John Gottman from the University of Washington in Seattle, has studied 1000’s of couples over the last 40 years and has come to the conclusion that over 65% of our conflicts are never resolved and in fact resolving conflict well is not the key to a happy, successful relationship.  What he suggests we do is bring back curiosity into our relationships and convert that curiosity into empathy and respect.  Don’t be lazy, don’t just make assumptions about your partner’s interests and desires, rather ask the questions, show interest and listen to the answers.  Get to know your partner well all over again. Introduce the real quality of Emotional Intelligence into the relationship.  So in the example of the gardening above, what would have helped would have been for her to ask why he spends so much time in the garden rather than assume he just doesn’t value spending time with her.  And if you really aren’t comfortable asking these questions yourself, take yourselves along to a counsellor or coach who can facilitate these sometimes awkward conversations.

 

Q.  Another buzz word out there at the moment is Values.  Discover your values, live your values and the authentic life will follow.  But what happens if you have different values?  

A. Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology and the science of wellbeing from the University of Pennsylvania, is a great believer in values and signature strengths.  He posits that if you live your life using both of these principles as your parameters and link them to your goals, your sense of wellbeing will be increased exponentially. And therein lies the potential problem in a relationship. One partner’s values cannot not be honoured at the expense of the other. So what to do?  In the first place, it is really important to understand what are your real values and not the values you think you should have.  This is a fun exercise to do together and can be a way of deepening the understanding and empathy between you.  For example, financial issues are one of the biggest causes of relationship breakdown.  Couples argue about money all the time and quite often it just plays out with one partner being known as the tight-ass in the relationship.  How different might it be if they were to look at their values and discover that financial security is the value of one partner and a sense of giving is the value of the other? What might a different conversation look like?  How about taking the time to talk about where these values came from and how could both be addressed in the context of their relationship?  Coming up with ways for both partners to think more mindfully about the money spent and also ways to give back to society can lead to deeper, reinvigorated relationships.

 

Q. How important is it to actually be nice to our partners? I’m sure we’re all guilty of getting lazy.  Whereas in the beginning, we used to send them little texts during the day just to let them know you were thinking about them, now they are lucky to get a text saying we are going to be late home!

A. This is a really important point.  As humans, bad trumps good every time. That is, we are five times as likely to remember when our partner says something mean to us as we are to recall the one time he does something nice for us. This is known as the 5:1 Magic Ratio. And something mean does not have to be words; it can be an eye-roll, it can be arriving late without an explanation or apology, it can be lack of gratitude, it can be a lack of appreciation for a nice gesture.  So to get ourselves back on track in our relationships, we have to start building rituals of niceness into our everyday lives.  We have to proactively communicate at least 5 appreciations to our partners on a daily basis. It can be kissing our partner when we arrive home from work, it can be holding his hand when walking down the street, it can be admiring her haircut or his new jacket.  What we are doing is building a positive emotional bank account.  So that when we fall off the wagon and let loose with an unkind comment (because we are only human after all), it will be received in the context of normally he says really nice things to me so there must be something else going on for him.  Instead of getting defensive and letting fly ourselves with an equally unkind comment, we may stop and think and try to understand what is going on for him.

 

Q. Date night!  Isn’t that supposed to be the cure-all for couples who are in a rut?

A. Yes and I just don’t get it.  Think about it.  Your relationship is struggling.  You are both tired and stressed.  And then the counsellor suggests you hire a baby-sitter and go out for a romantic dinner.  The pain of sitting across the table from some-one with whom you haven’t had a decent conversation in months is palpable.  Date nights are for relationships that are working, not for those that need reboot.   So how about trying a Date Mark 2? It works along the lines of the following:

1. Take your partner to a place that is new for both of you (such as a park, café, beach).  This is to put you in the right frame of mind for planning to do things differently in the future.  A change of scenery is great to get the creative juices flowing.
2. Now take 10 minutes and write down all the things you would like to do together for the first time that you’ve never experienced.  Be realistic but still get outside your comfort zone (e.g. do a different gym class together, have a dinner party with new friends, organise a surprise weekend away, try out a new restaurant).
3. Then share these with your partner and agree on 10 things that you’re going to do more often.
4. Do one activity every week from your ‘novelty list’ with your partner and have some fun.
5. Once you’ve completed the ten items on your novelty list, come up with more so you continue to keep your relationship fresh.

 

Q. What about fun and not taking it all too seriously?

A. This is something that is all too often forgotten about.  You have to make room for a little light-heartedness if you want to have a balanced love life.

However cultivating humour in your relationship requires that you both are respectful in your encounters. This is not stand-up comedy or razor-sharp repartee. It is two people playing with words and with each other. Keeping it harmless, blameless, and never using humour as a weapon. Even if you don’t think you are especially funny, you can approach your life and love with a sense of humour. It’s not about making jokes that rival the likes of Jerry Seinfeld. It’s about seeing the lighter side of living and revelling in it. Life can be ironic, and that can be fun and funny. It’s worth the effort to find the humour in life, and appreciate your mate for his or hers.

Everyone has his or her own style, and if your loved one’s humour is not to your liking, you need to have a conversation about it and set appropriate boundaries. Some people enjoy insulting, or put-down, humour, and that won’t work for you in a relationship. Jokes or actions have to be life enhancing, and they should never make things worse. It is always wise to think before you speak, and if you think your partner might take what you are about to say in the wrong way, don’t say it.

 

Q. If we are talking about putting some sass back into the relationship, then

surely we have to mention sex? How big a role do sex and intimacy play in keeping a relationship alive?

A. I think we totally underestimate the role that sex plays in our lives and especially in our relationships.  We are animals. We need sex. According to renowned psychologist, Sue Johnson, we are neurologically hardwired by millions of years of evolution to find a mate, to love and cherish, to be attached and connected.  But quite often, men and women display their needs it differently.  It is often said that men become intimate to have sex and women have sex to become intimate.

Dr Rosemary Basson is credited with discovering the female response cycle.  She claims that a number of women engage in sex without initially feeling sexual desire, either to please their partners or to create intimacy, and having sex then fuels their desire.  But so often, being uninterested in sex means that women find excuses to avoid it.  So it is really important that their partners do something to awaken a response in them.  And that something has got to be more than the ‘hand creep’.

 

According to the Hite report, every positive thing a couple does together can be seen as foreplay and therefore part of sex. So guys, if you are one of those men who hasn’t had sex in months (at least not with your partner!), maybe try washing the dishes, or vacuuming the living room, or even making the bed.  You may find you have a far better time unmaking it!  According to a study of 1,300 couples, men who contributed their fair share towards housework, reported better and more frequent sex for both partners.

 

And of course, there is one other very obvious thing that has to change in order to get your sex life going again – get the kids out of your bed!

 

Q.  So if you were to come up with a list of the 7 most important things to reboot your relationship, what would they be?

7 Ways to put the Rrrrrrr back into your Relationship

1. Be curious and interested – ask questions rather than assume
2. Remain interesting yourself – be prepared to reinvent yourself
3. Build a Positive Emotional Bank Account – 5:1 Magic Ratio
4. Book a meeting with a Relationships Coach
5. Have a Date Mark 2
6. Rethink your foreplay and your sex life
7. Have fun and never forget how to laugh

 

Listen to the podcast here.

Notes from Bernie’s conversation on Nightlife with Jen Fleming and Sue Abrams on ABC 702 Radio on Monday night 11 January 2016

Preamble

Divorce – everyone knows someone who has been through a divorce.  With 1 in 3 marriages breaking down and over 30,000 of these involving kids every year, we need to find a nicer, better way to break up.  We need to find a nicer way to draw a line in the sand and move on with our lives.

In this hour we’re talking with Sue Abrams, accredited Family Law Specialist and President of Collaborative Professionals (NSW) Inc. and Bernie Bolger, psychotherapist and accredited Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner and Vice President of Collaborative Professionals (NSW) Inc. about the alternative, less conflictual paths which families can take to end their relationship as it is and move forward

Question

When a relationship runs into trouble, what do you see are the first things that a couple would normally do?

There is a big difference between what most couples ‘do’ and what common sense would say they ‘should’ do. The harsh reality is that when the cracks start to show, most people do nothing and let the relationship drift towards its inevitable demise.  And then at least one of the parties say they were blind-sided and never saw the end coming! Despite the fact that they haven’t had sex for five years, let alone spend any quality alone time with their partner. There was always something more important – work or the kids or watching the grass grow!

Research says that less than 5% of couples actually seek professional help when the relationship starts to falter.  And of those 5%, most of them wait six years before they do so.  Given that half of marriage break downs occur within the first seven years, the earlier couples seek outside help the greater the chances that the relationship can be saved.  The most devastating financial and emotional event to happen to a couple and family is the breakdown of a marriage / long term relationship and so I would urge everyone to consider counselling before moving on to the next steps.  Of course there are certain abusive relationships which are toxic – be it emotional, physical or financial – and in these cases it may be better for everyone involved and especially for the children, that the adults involved separate.

Question

So if the relationship is irreparable, what do you see are the next steps? Does it always have to be lawyers at 20 paces?

That is such an important question and what a couple does next can set the tone for the next 20 or more years of their lives. According to statistics, only 2% of couples can sit around the kitchen table and sort it out for themselves without any outside help. So that leaves 98% of the population needing alternatives. And those alternatives can be the difference between the nicer break up and the break up from hell.

So in the first place I would suggest that a couple try Family Dispute Resolution or Mediation. A good mediator will facilitate honest, respectful communication thus minimising the potential for destructive behaviours long term.

Question

So what exactly is Family Dispute Resolution?

The Federal Government is committed to increasing the awareness and provision of alternatives to litigation, especially for family law disputes.  For many families, post-separation is a life crisis that requires a holistic approach from service providers.

Family dispute resolution (FDR) is the term used in Part II of the Family Law Act 1975 to describe a process in which a family dispute resolution practitioner assists people affected, or likely to be affected, by separation or divorce to resolve some or all of their disputes with each other.  Before filing an application in court for parenting orders, it is a requirement to attempt FDR in parenting matters unless an exception applies e.g. family violence or child abuse.

Family dispute resolution allows couples or families to have difficult conversations in a safe, calm and controlled environment.  It enables separated couples to discuss and then make their own decisions about how they would like to resolve their post separation issues whether it be in relation to their children or in reaching an agreement in regards to property & financial settlement. It is a future focussed, impartial and non-judgemental process.

A mediator’s job is about finding common ground and reopening communication channels, even when this may seem like an impossible task.

The best thing about both Family Dispute Resolution and mediation is that they are totally confidential and should a couple be unable to come to a resolution, any of the discussions or offers made during either process cannot be used against them should their case end up in court. Case notes from FDR or mediation, unlike counselling, cannot be subpoenaed.

Question

But the breakdown of a relationship doesn’t just involve adults.  In fact over 30,000 families with children are affected by divorce every year.  How can we make sure that their needs are heard?

It is really important that the children in a separating family are looked after. When parents are in conflict, they can easily, though often not intentionally, lose focus on the children – particularly when they are immersed in the disagreements of the breakdown with the hurt and anger guiding their decisions.  Obviously the best case scenario is when the parents can agree about arrangements for the children with an absence of conflict – this includes agreeing about living arrangements, choices of school, extracurricular activities, pocket money, communication and introduction of new partners to name just a few.  Unfortunately in a number of cases the focus is not on the ‘best interests of the child’  and the children end up getting caught up in the conflict and being used as pawns or just leverage of one parties needs over the others.

An important consideration is “the voice of the child”. How can a child be heard in a family breakdown?

One of the best ways to address the impact of the family conflict on children and to take the emotions out of the decisions is to use a Child Inclusive Practitioner (or CIP) in the process.

Question

That sounds interesting Bernie – can you tell me how it works?

Child Inclusive Practice provides an opportunity for children to talk independently with a trained Child Consultant in a safe, supportive and comfortable environment.

Child Inclusive Practice can be integrated into a family breakdown prior to the commencement of any court proceedings.

The Less Adversarial Trial process in the Family Court also has provision for CIP.

During the session, the Child Consultant facilitates a conversation with the child and encourages them to talk about the separation, domestic arrangements and other related topics. Depending on the age of the child, the Child Consultant may use play therapy during the session. The Child Consultant is not judgmental, suggestive or adversarial in tone. The purpose of the session is to gain insights into how the child is feeling and provide a forum in which they can comfortably express themselves.

After the session, the Child Consultant provides feedback and recommendations to both parents in a one hour session. This feedback is then used as a guide and reference throughout the Family Dispute Resolution process.

Generally speaking, Child Inclusive Practice is relevant for school age children, from 5 to 15.

Question

But even with all these interventions, sometimes mediation still breaks down.  Are there any other alternatives to litigation where some people end up spending 100s of 1000s of dollars and who knows how many hours of emotional toil just to prove that they are right and their ex-partner is wrong?

An exciting new alternative has been gaining momentum here in Australia in the last few years.  It has been used in the US and the UK for a number of years but it is definitely gaining traction here. It is what we call Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice.

I found this definition on the Law Society of New South Wales Website and I think it encapsulates the spirit of it extremely well. ‘Collaborative Practice is law without litigation, and mediation with advice.’ It is a dispute resolution process in which the parties, their lawyers and a neutral coach enter into a contract (the Participation Agreement) to resolve a dispute without resorting to litigation.

Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice is a unique dispute process as it offers a ‘team’ (lawyers, a neutral coach, a child consultant (if appropriate) a financial expert or any other professional that may be appropriate) to guide, advise, and support parties achieve an outcome. All of the professionals comprising the team have undergone specific training in Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice.  Both Bernie and I are trained Collaborative Practitioners.

Question

That sounds like an oxymoron – a lawyer not wanting to litigate??

Contrary to popular belief, many Family Law practitioners are constantly trying to avoid the court process for their clients’ as it is a costly, lengthy and legalistic process that applies the legal principles under the Family Law Act with little regard for the interests and needs of the parties and their children. This is not a criticism of the Court – that is what courts are for, to apply legal principles to resolve disputes that people are otherwise unable to resolve between themselves. The Court is not meant to do anything other than apply the law

I have been practising in this field for longer than I care to remember and I firmly believe that Collaborative Practice is the most innovative development that I have ever seen in this difficult area of practice.  Through the process the Collaborative Team actually helps couples find a solution that meets the needs of their family as a whole with respect and consideration. This is of enormous benefit for the whole family going forward – the parents’ parenting relationship can be preserved for the benefit of their children and precious times in the future (graduations, weddings, grandchildren etc) can be shared by both parents.  Furthermore, to be involved in a process that helps a family achieve such an outcome is so much more rewarding for the lawyer than dragging their clients through the courts.

The first point to remember is the lawyers, the neutral coach and the parties enter the collaborative process with a commitment to achieving an outcome.

The parties and all collaborative practitioners who sign the participation agreement, commit to an open, honest and transparent process. It is an integrated problem solving approach using interest based negotiation – a focus on the interests and needs of the parties. All of the negotiations are conducted in meetings (the number of meetings depends on the complexity of the matter – the issues that arise or exist between the parties).

The Participation Agreement provides that the lawyers will no longer act for the party if the collaborative process breaks down. This provision has the effect of focussing all of the participants to the negotiation on reaching a resolution. It removes the temptation for the parties and their lawyers to posture and/or commence litigation when an impasse arises. Instead, the parties, their lawyers and the neutral coach must focus on working together to overcome the impasse.  It can be a challenging process especially when parties are working on outcomes

The agenda for each meeting is pre-determined by the parties and the collaborative practitioners. Between meetings the parties, their lawyers and other professionals work together with their clients to ensure that all of the information relevant to the agenda is available in advance of the meeting. Similarly, the collaborative practitioners consult with each other before the meeting and debrief afterwards.

An important aspect is the use of the neutral coach.  In family law matters it is often the non – legal issues which are driving or causing the problems.  Some good examples are school holiday times – how it is to be shared – or introduction of new partners.  Rather than lawyers being involved in every aspect the parties can speak with / meet the neutral coach to discuss parties concerns, needs and desired outcomes.

This has a financial benefit to parties as the lawyers do not need to be involved in all aspects and allows the neutral coach (mental health professional) to assist the parties with what is essentially a non – legal issue.

 

Question

But doesn’t this cost a fortune – having two lawyers and a neutral coach at every meeting?

Granted, it is more expensive than mediation (depends on the number of meetings) but it is a lot less expensive than going to court and a lot less emotionally destructive.  Ending a relationship is not just about a division of assets – it is also about dealing with the emotional fallout that comes with the demise of a relationship. Collaborative Practice, especially when a professionally trained neutral coach is included, allows for the rebuilding of empathy between ex partners. When this occurs it is no longer a zero sum game.  Each person gains an insight into the other person’s needs and desires and works towards gaining the best outcome for the family as a whole. When all parties work together, it inevitably becomes a much quicker process and therefore lawyers’ hours are reduced.  Decreased hours equals decreased costs!

It is a forward focused process and definitely a nicer way to break up.

 

Question

I’m sure you have seen your share of horror stories played out in the Family Court System – what in your mind are the main reasons separating couples should try and avoid going to court?

The breakdown of any relationship is difficult. But the court system should be the last resort for separating families.  Parties will experience

• extensive delays,
• increased costs – legal fees, experts whether in parenting or financial matters
• uncertainty of outcome and frequently an outcome that satisfies neither party’s needs
• the destruction of any vestige of relationship and respect that may have remained between the parties; and
• more often that not, damage to the children who invariably become involved in the dispute.

Whilst the majority of matters will resolve by agreement in the time between filing an application with the court and a court allocated final hearing date, the impact on their own life, their relationship with each other, their children and other third parties (extended family members, new relationships) is not a positive one.

Top Seven Strategies towards achieving a nicer break up?

1. In the first place, make sure your relationship cannot be repaired.    Be proactive – don’t wait six years to call in outside help.  And even if your relationship doesn’t make it, the skills learned in relationship counselling especially around communication will stand you in good stead post separation.
2. Choose your lawyer well – preferably one trained in Collaborative Practice.  If you want to have an amicable separation, make sure you don’t choose a lawyer who has their own agenda and that is about destroying your ex-partner and running up as many billable hours as possible.
3. Get good financial advice. Financial insecurity is one of the greatest stressors in intact relationships and this is heightened when a relationship breaks down. A collaboratively trained financial adviser will look at the financial outcomes for the family as a whole and help you both accept your new economic reality.
4. Seek whatever professional counselling help you need to get you through the emotional grief associated with the end of a relationship. Well-meaning friends and family think they’re helping when they berate your ex. But they’re not.  They are just facilitating your stay in victim mode. A good counsellor will help you deal with the anger, the loss, the sense of failure, the fear and ultimately help you move on towards your preferred future.
5. Explore FDR as your first option, especially if there are children involved. All the research shows that mediated agreements are more sustainable and longer lasting because they are your agreements and have not been imposed on you by an overworked Judge in a very busy Family Court.
6. Collaborative Practice is without doubt the best way to involve lawyers in the process.  Your lawyers will be there as part of the team trying to achieve the best outcomes for the family and so won’t try and unpick any agreements you may have reached had they not been present.
7. Never forget the children and what is in their best interests. Don’t fall into the trap of using them as pawns in your War – EVER.  Children whose parents have separated with minimal conflict show no behavioural, emotional or academic disadvantages when compared with children of a low conflict intact marriage.